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Posts published in “Labor”

Uber May Shut Down in California if Forced to Classify Drivers as People, CEO Says

SACRAMENTO, CA — Uber may shut down its operations in California if it is forced to classify drivers as real human beings, CEO Dara Khosrowshahi said on Wednesday. The company is appealing a judge’s order to stop treating drivers and food delivery personnel as mindless beasts of burden who are not eligible to receive employee benefits.… Read more

Doggy Daycares Tapped to Supplement NYC Elementary Schools in Plans to Reopen

UPPER EAST SIDE – As the city slowly lurches back to life throughout the coronavirus pandemic, the unique challenges of reopening schools call for more classroom space, and many more teachers and support staff, to safely bring students back. This week Schools Chancellor Richard Carranza announced a strategic partnership with Biscuits & Bath, the local canine daycare chain, to provide auxiliary school rooms for elementary students throughout the city, as well as supervision for children during recess and most grooming services.… Read more

Disney World Builds ‘ICU Land’ to Treat COVID Patients without Leaving Park

ORLANDO, FL — Facing an outbreak in Florida of over 10,000 new coronavirus cases daily, Disney World has responded by unveiling their latest addition to the Magic Kingdom, a sprawling medical complex dubbed ‘ICU Land’ where ill or exposed park-goers can see Nurse Minnie as they wait for rides. “We value our patrons’ safety,” said Sharon Pewter, a Disney vice president for park sanitation and animatronics, “almost as much as our shareholders.… Read more

Professional Dog Fighting Association To Start Season without Players Consent

ATLANTA, GA — The commissioner of the Professional Dog Fighting Association (PDFA) announced Monday afternoon that the truncated season will start in July, albeit without the consent of the fighting dogs themselves. “The owners understand that many dogs do not feel comfortable mauling each other to death for our amusement,” explained Commissioner Ron Dogford, as he nervously eyed the growling German Shepherds in attendance, “but the reality is that they’re bred to kill and we won’t make any money if they don’t.”… Read more

Chiquita Fruit Co. Grapples with Racist Past, Re-installs Former Guatemalan Regime

GUATEMALA CITY — Many American corporations now face a reckoning with legacies built on centuries of systemic racism, but Chiquita Brands is one of the few to take substantial action. Chiquita announced today that it had toppled the Guatemalan republic by force and handed the reigns to followers of Jacobo Árbenz, whom the company formerly known as United Fruit had ousted in the 1954 Guatemalan coup d’état.… Read more

Hobby Lobby Praises SCOTUS Decision: “We Won’t Fire You as Long as You’re Gay for Jesus”

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK — A surprising Supreme Court ruling yesterday further enshrined workplace protects for gay and transgender Americans, and has forced some Evangelical business leaders, who had long been exempted from anti-discrimination lawsuits, to embrace new diversity policies. Among them is Hobby Lobby, announcing that “all employees are now allowed to express their sexual identity in the workplace,” according to company-wide memo, “provided that Jesus Christ is the sole object of their same-sex attraction.”… Read more

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