Press "Enter" to skip to content

Boredroom News

Report: Ultra-Rich Hermit Crabs Hiding Assets in Caribbean Shell Companies

ST. GEORGE’S, GRENADA – Although nearly four years have passed since the explosive revaluations of the Panama Papers were published, most citizens still do not comprehend the extent of wealth hidden offshore. An exclusive report by the Boredroom News now shows that the top 1% of hermit crabs invest the majority of their assets, as well as live, in Caribbean shells.… Read more

Starbucks Introduces the Next Fall Favorite: the Latke Spice Latte

SEATTLE, WA – Sixteen years after introducing pumpkin spice consumers, Starbucks is finally bringing a worthy successor to its fall menu: the latke spice latte.

The coffee powerhouse started working on the new brew last year, landing on a drink made with equal parts pureed fried potatoes and frothy sour cream foam, with a dusting of onion flakes.… Read more

IBM Bets Big on Pivot to Unprofessional Services

ARMONK, NY — With better-than-expected earnings to round out the last quarter, senior leadership at Big Blue (IBM) announced during their annual earnings call how they intend to generate value for their “dipshit clients” as they shift to more unprofessional services offerings.

Ginni Rommetty, IBM’s current chief executive and self-proclaimed “big, bad bitch,” who is leading the change throughout the century-old organization, was optimistic.… Read more

“Kubrick+ Streaming Platform Only Offers Unskippable Version of Barry Lyndon

BURBANK, CA – The new streaming service, hailed by many as “revolutionary,” has made the bold decision to limit its entire catalog to the 1975 period drama, Barry Lyndon. Because 3-hour epic cannot be rewound, paused, or stopped at any time, the move has surprised many, especially those users who signed up for the $47-per-month platform who expected the legendary director’s more popular works.… Read more

Goldman Sachs CEO Arrested for Selling Unregulated Securities on Subway Platform

BROOKLYN, NY – The arrest of yet another “unauthorized vendor” in a New York City subway station has caused outrage with many criticizing the police for unnecessarily harassing an old man just trying to make a living. The man, identified as David M. Solomon, Chief Executive Officer of Goldman Sachs, was taken into custody on Wednesday for illegally selling shares in a state-run Malaysian investment fund on the Broadway Junction station in Brooklyn.… Read more

Are Millenials Texting ‘Here’ Killing the Home Invasion Industry?

DETROIT, MI – Back in the good old days, just about anyone could go up to someone’s door and ring their doorbell to see if they were home. If no one answered the bell, an easy burglary; if not, at least you had the element of surprise over any residents. In this day, however, millennials will pull into the driveway and simply shoot a text to their friend saying “here,” leaving any honest would-be burglar high and dry.… Read more

Mission News Theme by Compete Themes.