Press "Enter" to skip to content

Boredroom News

Equinox: “For $200 a Month, You Can Tag Us in Videos of You Doing Squats in the Park”

HUDSON YARDS, Manhattan — The boutique gym chain has announced plans to reopen while taking steps to maintain proper hygiene, such as scheduling all visits in advance, switching to single-use barbells, and relying heavily on their digital and social presence to keep their quarantined customers engaged. “Without sacrificing the prestige of paying exorbitant membership fees, all of our fitness clients can safely exercise outside in one of the many fine parks not overrun by the homeless,” explains Exquinox’s Chief Digital Officer Don Dominguez.… Read more

MBAs Moved Online Won’t Relax Cocaine Quota to Graduate

WHITE PLAINS, NY — Many students knew their last semester at business school would pose unique challenges, but maintaining a steady high from their childhood bedrooms was never part of the plan. As programs shutter due to the pandemic, administrators are “committed to providing the standard of education that has been fueled by high quality party drugs for decades,” says Zelon Crawford, Dean of Students and Intoxicants at Columbia Business School, and many graduating MBAs, and their dealers, are scrambling to keep up.… Read more

Domino’s Pizza Tapped to Track Stimulus Check Delivery

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Internal Revenue Service has teamed up with Domino’s Pizza (DPZ) to deliver the $2 trillion federal coronavirus response stimulus via the company’s ubiquitous pizza tracker. “I knew Domino’s would step up to the plate,” said Jim O’Dell, IRS Sub-director of Renumeration and Confections, “and streamline this monumental undertaking with the American ingenuity and Italian seasoning.”… Read more

Clearview AI Kindly Asks Everyone to Put Name, Address on Face Masks

NEW YORK CITY — “If it wouldn’t be too much trouble,” Chief Executive Hoan Ton-That implored Americans this week in a very polite press release, “please legibly print or stencil your full names, street addresses, primary phone numbers, and any known aliases you use” directly on the outside of any face-coverings used to prevent the coronavirus.… Read more

Mission News Theme by Compete Themes.