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Posts tagged as “Military”

More Than a Discount for Veterans, This Supermarket is Charging the Taliban Extra

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — To show support for America’s troops, the supermarket chain Food Lion is offering an extra 10% discount to U.S. military veterans and their families, and, to show their on-going disapproval of international terrorism, is actually demanding that verified members of the Taliban pay 10% more.

“Some companies may think that simply helping our vets is enough,” says Deke Shanahan, Food Lion Vice President for Dairy, Tobacco and Public Relations, “but do not have specific policies to discourage enemies of the state from shopping alongside them.… Read more

Tiger Schulmann Karate Wins $10B Pentagon Contract to Train USMC

SAN DIEGO, CA – The Department of Defense awarded a $10 billion contract to Tiger Schulmann Karate (TSK) on Friday to overhaul the Marine Corps Martial Arts Program (MCMAP). The 20-year contract will cede virtually all administration and instruction of the USMC’s hand-to-hand combat training regimen to the famed dojo led by Daniel ‘Tiger’ Schulmann.… Read more

Starbucks Reserve Called Up for 3rd Wave Coffee Offensive

SEATTLE – The coffee chain Starbucks has issued emergency call up orders to hundreds of Reserve battalions in light of a new cold brew and ethically-sourced blitzkrieg by various small-batch coffee purveyors across America. Chief Executive Kevin Johnson has given the these Reservists complete autonomy to utilize whatever brewing methods they deem necessary to launch a bold, earthy counter-offensive.… Read more

U.N. Contract to Airdrop Aid into Syria Awarded to Lunchables

DAMASCUS – The last resort of humanitarian aid has been valiantly taken up by the last resort of prepackaged meals as Lunchables has been selected to provide 15 tones of food aid to Syrian residents. The effort marks a significant step for parent company Kraft-Heinz (KHC) as it re-positions its unsold inventory as a boon for the public sector.… Read more

Ford Memorial Day Sale Now Explicitly in Honor of Both Sides

DETROIT, MI – In a Shocking move to some, but a progressive stance for a new era to others, the Ford Motor Company (F) announced that their annual Memorial Day sales event now supports both American combatants as well as their opponents on the battlefield. “Ford has always been 100% committed to the troops,” says Evelyn Jasper, the firm’s newly-instated vice president of marketing for diversity and inclusion, “but who are we to say that veterans of only one side of a conflict deserve an all-time low of 1.6% APR on a new Super Duty F-350?”… Read more

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