NEW YORK CITY – “I was wrong,” former mayor and presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg admitted in a shocking apology this week, “I now realize that over-regulation of normal citizens just trying to make a living through high-risk speculative investments was detrimental to society.”
LOS GATOS, CA — The streaming giant revealed that it has amended some episodes of its hit show Stranger Things to remove unfavorable references to the Upside Down, according to the company’s first report
Social Governance. Although Netflix (NFLX) has removed content at the demand of governments around the world, this is the first takedown request on behalf of an interdimentional evil super-organism.
NEW YORK CITY — This week the most-famed dog show in America is dipping its toes into new opportunities to increase revenue and viewership by allowing some sponsors to advertise on the dogs themselves.
“Warheads on foreheads is our business,” Kennedy said at the annual earnings call on Thursday, “but business isn’t booming.
“We have opened the very legs of god,” beamed Goop founder Gweneth Paltrow, who also served as principle investigator for the experiment. “Although highly unstable, our lab-grown quantum vagina proves that concentrated yonic energy can be achieved in a lab.”
HONG KONG — “We couldn’t take any chances,” lamented James Lee, a spokesman for the theme park, when it was announced earlier this week that the beloved Disney mascot had to be put down as to prevent the Wuhan virus from spreading throughout Hong Kong. Also known as the Coronavirus, the illness has already spread from the mainland as countries scramble to stem the wave of infections.
A masked vigilante has been spotted roaming the subway tunnels underneath the city.
OAKLAND, CA – American workers are increasingly receptive to microdosing at work to increase creativity and productivity, but what happens when everyone has the same advantage to get ahead? Some professionals are turning to Angel Dust, also known as phencyclidine or PCP, to get that “get-up-and-go” energy to start their day, and the next few days, with a bang.
LOS ANGELES — According to research by a leading cybersecurity firm, a serious vulnerability has allowed some users of the…
NEWTOWN, OH — A local woman is in dire straits again five months after surviving a near-fatal car accident because…
NEW YORK CITY — A 205-year-old can of Black Label Mountain Dew became the most expensive bottle of wine ever sold at auction, fetching $1,580,000. Sotheby’s announced on Monday that the can, which accompanied Napoleon into exile on St. Helena in his personal supply, shattered the previous record set by a rare 3-liter (known as “large format”) bottle of Açaí Fresca in 1996.
TOKYO — “We thought it was strange when he told us to make the glove box large enough for a 60-year-old Lebanese man,” recalls Akira Miyamoto, lead automotive designer on the Nissan Altima in 2012, “but even back then he knew he would need a safe way out of Japan eventually.”
NEW YORK CITY – Peloton (PTON), the exercise equipment company, is “taking a step back to reassess” after their luxury bicycle failed multiple road tests earlier this week. The setback surprised not only customers eager to hit the open road with their new holiday gifts, but also to investors, who have plunged the firm’s share price nearly 10%.
NORTH POLE — Half-finished toys strewn about, workers asleep on the assembly line, urine-soaked yule logs: welcome to Santa’s Workshop. Behind its immaculately-curated public image, life at the North Pole is far from candy canes and gumdrops; Boredroom News’ exclusive undercover report reveals the dismal conditions in which elves work to bring materialistic joy to children every Christmas.