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Boredroom News

Disney World Builds ‘ICU Land’ to Treat COVID Patients without Leaving Park

ORLANDO, FL — Facing an outbreak in Florida of over 10,000 new coronavirus cases daily, Disney World has responded by unveiling their latest addition to the Magic Kingdom, a sprawling medical complex dubbed ‘ICU Land’ where ill or exposed park-goers can see Nurse Minnie as they wait for rides. “We value our patrons’ safety,” said Sharon Pewter, a Disney vice president for park sanitation and animatronics, “almost as much as our shareholders.… Read more

Trump Reverses on Virus after Campaign Staffer Orders Too Many MAGA Masks

Washington, D.C. – Months of fumbled pandemic responses from the White House have left the country in dire straits, but this morning President Trump issued an official mandate requiring face covering to be worn at all time after he had learned that a junior merchandising volunteer had ordered nearly two million masks emblazoned with “Make America Great Again.”… Read more

Professional Dog Fighting Association To Start Season without Players Consent

ATLANTA, GA — The commissioner of the Professional Dog Fighting Association (PDFA) announced Monday afternoon that the truncated season will start in July, albeit without the consent of the fighting dogs themselves. “The owners understand that many dogs do not feel comfortable mauling each other to death for our amusement,” explained Commissioner Ron Dogford, as he nervously eyed the growling German Shepherds in attendance, “but the reality is that they’re bred to kill and we won’t make any money if they don’t.”… Read more

Chiquita Grapples with Racist Past, Re-installs Former Guatemalan Regime

GUATEMALA CITY — Many American corporations now face a reckoning with legacies built on centuries of systemic racism, but Chiquita Brands is one of the few to take substantial action. Chiquita announced today that it had toppled the Guatemalan republic by force and handed the reigns to followers of Jacobo Árbenz, whom the company formerly known as United Fruit had ousted in the 1954 Guatemalan coup d’état.… Read more

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